Three Words For Deeper Connection
It’s a deeply lonely feeling, isn’t it? You reach out to a friend or your partner(s) in a moment of crisis, your emotions feeling big and overwhelming, and you’re met not with comfort, but with a checklist of solutions. You share your vulnerability, and they treat it like a logistical problem to be solved. You didn't want a project manager; you wanted a safe harbour. More than anything, you just wanted to feel held.
In my work as a therapist, I see this painful dynamic constantly. This feeling of not being held rarely comes from a lack of care. In fact, it often stems from a place of deep, loving concern. Your friends or your partner(s) see you in pain, and their immediate, powerful instinct is to fix it—to give you advice, to solve the problem, to make the bad feeling go away as quickly as possible.
The issue is that fixing and holding are two entirely different things. When we desperately need someone to simply contain our messy feelings, being handed a to-do list can feel like a subtle rejection. It can send an unspoken message: "Your emotions are too much for me to sit with, so let’s get rid of them." But we do have the capacity to tell our friends exactly what kind of support we need. There is a simple language for it, and it comes down to three words: Heard, Hugged, or Helped.
(Before I go on, I need to be honest. These words are not my own creation, I have heard them from someone else before. However, it is something that I offer and use constantly in my life and practice.)
These words represent the three primary types of support people need when they’re struggling. Understanding them is like having a cheat sheet for emotional connection.
Heard. This is the need for a witness. When someone wants to be heard, they aren’t looking for solutions. They need a safe space to vent, process their feelings out loud, and feel understood. Your role is simply to listen with empathy, confirming that you hear them and that their feelings are valid.
Hugged. This is the need for comfort and presence. Sometimes, words fail, and what a person needs most is to feel safe and not alone. The need to be hugged is about non-verbal support. This can look like a physical hug, a hand on the arm, or simply quiet, reassuring companionship. It’s about solidarity, not strategy.
Helped. This is the need for collaboration. When someone asks to be helped, they are explicitly giving you permission to enter problem-solving mode. They trust your perspective and are actively seeking advice, brainstorming, or a concrete plan. This is the only time when offering solutions is truly connecting.
What I love about these three words is that they eliminate the guesswork that so often leads to disconnection. When we offer the wrong kind of support (e.g., "helping" when they need to be "heard"), we accidentally make the conversation about us and our need to fix things.
This forces the other person to stop being vulnerable and start managing our good intentions. This is why conversations can feel so draining. By using these words, you replace assumption with attunement. You are consciously tuning into their needs, which is the very definition of deep connection. It sends a powerful message: "I care enough to listen to what you actually need, not just what I think you need."
Putting the Words into Action
This tool is most effective when used explicitly. It might feel a bit strange at first, but the clarity it provides can be quite radical.
When you need support: Take a moment to identify what you need and then state it clearly.
"I’ve had a really tough day. Can I just vent for a bit? I just need to be 'Heard'."
"I'm feeling really overwhelmed and don't want to talk. Could I get a 'Hug'?"
"I'm stuck on this problem at work and I'd love your advice. I need some 'Help'."
When someone else needs support: Resist your instinct to jump in. Instead, offer them the choice.
"That sounds incredibly difficult. Before I say more, I want to check in—are you looking to be heard, hugged, or helped right now?"
This one question is a great act of love. It creates instant safety and respect, allowing for a much deeper and more authentic connection. By using these three simple words, you can stop having conversations that drain and start having ones that truly, deeply connect.
