The Dark Online World Of Pseudo-Findoms: When Healthy Kink Turns Into Real Harm | 03

In this episode, I am unpacking a rapidly growing online phenomenon that carries a massive amount of hidden shame: Financial Domination, or Findom.

My core claim here is straightforward: many men, both gay and straight, who find themselves in distressing, financially straining online cycles believe they are participating in a true BDSM relationship. They are not. A genuine financial domination dynamic is one of the most psychologically adult forms of BDSM play. It requires strict negotiation, clear limits, and explicit safe words. Almost none of this structure is happening in the unscripted online space.

Instead, what we are actually witnessing is the rise of what I call the "pseudo-findom"—where the ethical language of BDSM is used to perpetuate unnegotiated psychological manipulation and financial harm.

Today, I am going to break down the stark contrast between a healthy, contractual dynamic and an unhealthy, fear-driven online exchange. I will share the four core drivers that push men into these compulsive loops, explain how to test whether money is your actual turn-on or just a tool to buy access to a fantasy, and look at how we can establish sustainable boundaries without losing the erotic spark.

Whether you are an individual currently stuck in a cycle of regret and financial strain, or a fellow practitioner trying to understand how to navigate this presentation in the clinical room, this episode is designed to offer clear, practical frameworks to help separate true erotic nature from harmful compulsion.

Key Takeaways

• The distinction between healthy and unhealthy dynamics: A true financial domination and submission relationship requires strict contracting, clear limits, mutual trust, and active safe words to prevent emotional or financial distress.

• Deliteralising findom: You must separate consensual kink from actual exploitation. In a healthy dynamic, transferring money is a metaphorical, theatrical act that serves as a vehicle for deep psychological expression and power play.

• The illusion of the pseudo-FD: Many online interactions do not constitute real BDSM. "Pseudo-FDs" who refuse to contract or set boundaries bypass the ethical safety structures of kink, leaving submissives vulnerable to psychological manipulation and harm.

• Erotic thirst and deprivation: When an erotic need or specific kink cannot be safely expressed in your daily life, it can create a scarcity mindset. This chronic hunger can drive individuals into compulsive online cycles.

• The freedom of losing your identity: Engaging in heavy submissive play removes your daily responsibilities and the exhausting need to make choices. Stripping away your regular human character allows you to experience a deep, relieving surrender.

• Archetypes take over: The draw to a specific dominant figure is often driven by an archetype that demands space to emerge. Financial transactions are frequently just the currency used to buy access to this hidden part of your psyche.

• Safety as the source of arousal: Open communication and explicit safety protocols do not diminish the erotic spark. True, sustainable arousal relies entirely on a foundation of safety, transparency, and mutual respect.

Chapter List

Chapter List

00:00 Introduction to Financial Domination Dynamics

01:52 Claim: It Is Not Real Findom

03:13 Examples of Healthy vs Unhealthy FD/FS Connections

08:38 How Do Men End Up in This Unhealthy Place?

09:54 1. Erotic Starvation

13:23 2. Unmet Life Needs

14:05 3. Real-Life Obstacles

15:20 4. The Archetypal Pull

16:30 Who Are These Pseudo-FDs?

18:32 Is Money the Real Turn-On?

19:23 Choosing Online FDs Over Boundaried Sex Workers

23:42 How Can I Check If I Am a Real Finsub?

23:56 Check 1: The Nightclub Analogy

25:24 Check 2: Developmental History

25:57 Check 3: The Substitution Test

26:29 Check 4: Does It Documentably Bring Happiness?

27:06 Why Getting This Distinction Right Matters

Transcript

Please note: This transcript has been corrected using AI since the original software does not do a great job. There may be small errors.

Sergio Rebelo (00:00) In this episode, I'm going to be using the acronyms FD, FS, meaning financial domination, findom, and FS, meaning financial submissive or finsub. And I'm doing that for social media purposes because censorship can be quite difficult to navigate if I don't. And also, it makes it a lot easier to edit. Before I begin, I also want to clarify one other thing. If you are involved in an FD, FS dynamic, or any erotic dynamic for that matter, and you feel completely fine about it, it functions well in your life without causing financial or emotional strain, then that is amazing. That's ideal. So there'll be no reason to poke around or see what could be happening under the surface because many people participate in this kink happily and safely.

(01:05) This episode is specifically for the men, predominantly men, who find themselves deeply unsatisfied, distressed, or stuck in a cycle that is causing them harm. So to unpack all of this, in this episode, I'm going to be giving an example of a healthy FD, FS dynamic, an example of an unhealthy one, I'm going to be talking about how people get into this position, and then also what keeps them in. I'll also be offering ways to identify if you are in a healthy FD, FS dynamic and what can help if not. I should also mention that this is an extended commentary episode that rolls off a previous conversation I had with Dr Joe Kort called FD, Straight Men and Gay Desire. Please have a listen to that episode if you want more context on where this conversation comes from.

(02:20) Now, my core claim for this huge online phenomenon where both gay and straight men pay FDs for erotic exchanges is that for many of them, not all, but for many of them, they are not actually participating in a real FD dynamic. It's something else entirely. And I say this because, like any BDSM dynamic, a true FD, FS dynamic requires an explicit agreement built on transparency, honesty, boundaries, and safe words. Without those elements, it simply is not BDSM. And in this context, it cannot be called an FD, FS dynamic. In fact, I think a real FD, FS dynamic is much rarer than we think. It is one of the most psychologically adult forms of BDSM play. It takes into account so many different layers and therefore requires a lot of care. Almost none of this negotiation is happening in the online world. And if it is, that contracting process, that pre-negotiation, is not being shown or role-modeled, which is very dangerous.

(03:49) So to get a clearer picture of what I'm speaking about, let's look at two contrasting examples. One is of a real FD, FS dynamic, which is healthy, and the other is of what people are mistaking as a FD, FS dynamic, which is causing them harm. So here's the healthy expression.

(04:09) A submissive and a dominant sit down together and negotiate a clear contractual agreement. They establish a strict monthly spending limit, whether it's £200, £500, or £1,000, or it might be gifts instead or purchasing coffees or groceries. Whatever the case, whatever the limit, the financial service or amount is explicitly named.

(04:42) Also, both the FD and FS know that going all in immediately would lead to burnout and unsustainability. So this dynamic would have started small because becoming an FS or being an FS is a deep psychological process that needs time to unfold.

(05:07) They also have agreed on explicit safe words to stop the interaction instantly, and they commit to regular emotional check-ins. Now, because of this structure and safety, the submissive gets genuine erotic pleasure with no distress or confusion, and the dominant understands the limits of their own erotic charge and the limits of the sub because it can be quite intoxicating on both sides. The main thing is that no one experiences financial hardship or psychological distress. That is a good example of a very well-functioning, healthy FD, FS dynamic. Nothing wrong with it. A lot of people do it, go for it.

(05:58) Now let's turn to an unhealthy yet very common presentation that I see a lot of. So a submissive would continuously log on an app, which is nothing wrong in itself, but they come on it at a random time, and they find themselves searching, either searching for a FD or hoping that that there's one specific FD has come online. They find the FD, let's just say that, an anonymous one or an established one who actually responds, which increases the the um arousal. Because typically what you'll find is that you need to pay to get attention or to show that you're serious. Either way, getting the attention has increased the spike of urgency and adrenaline for this sub.

(06:50) The FD now demands an immediate tribute under the threat of being blocked. No agreement, no discussion of limits, and no safety protocols. The FS's impulse, or the sub's impulse to transfer, begins to heighten. And so eventually they send, sometimes an amount of money they know they can't afford or shouldn't, and even that's part of the excitement.

(07:18) Now, the excitement continues to heighten and also the arousal, and this leads to the FS sending more and more than they had originally anticipated. Whilst all this is happening, deep inside there is a mixture of feelings. There's arousal, anxiety, anticipation, regret, and also a mixture of questions: When will the dom stop requesting? Should I send more? Was that enough? Can I end it? If I end it, will the session be over? Will they ever come back? All of this is floating around, meaning there is a lot of fear and uncertainty that's happening as part of this experience. This exchange becomes or continues to be largely fear-driven.

(08:14) So let's say, um, within 10 minutes of receiving money, the online FD stops replying. They log off or they cut off the interaction. However, the FS knows more money means more attention, so keeps sending. The FD might come back, they might send the content that's requested, they might engage in the chat, whatever the case is. But one feature of this is that the FS is not really allowed to give feedback. The sub has to just be grateful for what they get. Anything else would be asked for more money.

(08:57) So once the sub is quote "rinsed" or the dom just decides to leave, the submissive is left either highly turned on with no promise of return and/or carrying an incredible amount of regret and shame and need. And also, they're left to solve the consequences of any of these actions whilst the dom will will not know this, they will not know or necessarily even care about this.

(09:27) So that's an example of an unhealthy yet popular FD, FS exchange that is actually causing more harm than good.

(09:39) When you look at these two examples side by side, one leaves you feeling completely empowered, connected, and understood; the other leaves you feeling alone, strained, secretive, regretful, and hurt. So this brings us to the big question: How do men end up in this unsatisfied, compulsive, pseudo-form of FD, FS?

(10:14) Now, there are many reasons of how people get into compulsive cycles centered around money and sex, and that is something I work with quite a lot in my practice. It can run very, very deep, so this is by no means an exhaustive list, just something that I've noticed I'm going to bring up to this space. If this is something that you would like to do work on, then I really encourage you to reach out to trained professionals who are knowledgeable around sexual issues, kinks, BDSM, etc. That's so, so important.

(10:53) All right. So, the four areas I'm going to focus on of what brings men to the space are: First is that there's usually an erotic need that's not being met. The second is that usually, this could be also included in the first, there is a life need that's not being met. The third is that there is a real logistical limitations, real-life limitations. And the fourth is that there's a specific archetypal pull that FD has.

(11:32) So I'm going to start and give more attention to the first one, which is this erotic thirst or starvation that can develop. We have to understand that there are a lot of people who have a lack of access to what turns them on—fantasies, dynamics, specific smells or tastes, whatever the case—because of the esoteric nature or because of their shame, it may be very hard to actualize the fantasy or even admit it. Their partner or the people in their community or people in the apps may not be into it, they may not be available, or they might judge. Whatever the case, it's an uncomfortable truth for many people who are kinky and a difficult place to be in if you are also ashamed of what arouses you.

(12:30) The reality of not being able to actualize or fear to share your erotic interests can lead to a real erotic deprivation. I describe it to my clients as a chronic itch that you just can't scratch, so it grows and grows. Personally, on a side note, I argue that it's an itch that you may have been trying to scratch using one tool in one way, and that there are other ways to scratch the itch, which I do work on with my clients.

(13:06) In any case, this deprivation creates a scarcity mindset, and this is true to some extent. Not many people would want to put on a diaper or to play a bully or to force you to lick their feet. And so, the desperation can build. And that has its own nature. Some months in a person's life, it can flare up and feel very out of control. Sometimes it is quiet and doesn't need much attention. And even tracking that will help you massively.

(13:49) Whatever the case, in its more worse times, in its flare-ups, it can feel like an always-on button has been flicked. Always on the lookout, always waiting to get the text back from that one person across the other side of the world, always searching, always waiting. There is this constant state of low-level arousal or anticipation in the background because we end up never really knowing when that other person will come online or is in the same city or will essentially want to engage. And frustration also builds because usually, when they do respond, your attention has shifted, but you need to come back into this erotic head space because there would be no other opportunity. And this tension leads to real pain and sometimes resentment towards the kink one might have.

(14:52) Now, if we quickly contrast this with people who have more typical interests, they operate more from an abundance mindset where the primary issue is boredom. But in any case, the search for them is easier, it doesn't take as long, and they can feel satisfied after very little effort and very little search. So, the first reason as to how people can end up in the unhealthy version of a FD world is because an erotic need is not being met.

(15:28) The second reason is very familiar. I won't go through it in detail, but essentially a very common driver towards any compulsive sexual behavior is that, possibly, there are other areas in one's life that are not being fulfilled. Now, knowing this can be very helpful because that can be a better focus than the sexual behavior itself, working on that. To identify this, I've actually made a tool on my website, it's completely free. It is this visual wheel thing, you'll see it, but it's a great place to start. Essentially, you map out all the areas in your life of where you are at now and where you would like to be.

(16:15) The third reason comes down really to pure logistics. Because it is very hard to find people in the local area, submissives don't really have many ways to express their subservient. So they have to seek it from a distance. This brings them to the online world. There, if they find a dom who ticks certain boxes, what tends to happen is that the dom will frequently reject other ways the sub wants to show submission, like videos and pictures or sexting, leaving money as the only way to show devotion.

(16:53) Now, there is a truth to this for the dom as well. They don't really have the time to speak to every person who contacts them, there's just too many. So it makes sense on some level why money is a good filter. And also, some subs may not feel safe to share videos or images of themselves over the internet, so again, money makes a lot of sense.

(17:18) But this doesn't mean that you're a FS. It just means that you're paying for a space to express your submissive parts, and that distinction matters.

(17:34) A fourth reason I find, and this is huge, is that for a lot of these men, it's not the behavior itself that keeps them in, but what that specific person they decide to give money to represents. That archetype and what that archetypes allows them to do is a huge draw to why people pay. Archetypal shadow work is a big part of my therapeutic process where I help clients learn about what this specific FD or dom or person activates inside of them and why. And what they can learn from them so they can integrate, begin to integrate elements of this shadow part to their bigger self. But I won't talk about that in this episode, it's just too big.

(18:29) So so far, I've listed four reasons people can find themselves in the situation: an unmet erotic need, an unmet life need, a logistical or resource reality, and also an archetypal draw.

(18:50) I want to turn now and give some attention to these FDs we see. What brings them to the space? And again, it's absolutely fine to be an FD, but you can't call yourself an FD if you are not following the ethical and safety structures that BDSM provides, which many aren't. So, what is happening here? Are we witnessing a genuine rise in FDs and FSes, or are we just seeing the tip of an iceberg? Is it possible that what is happening beneath the surface is actually the exploitation of the sacred language of BDSM to perpetuate psychological harm?

(19:40) If a real FD, FS connection fundamentally requires contracting, negotiation, and safe words, and this is not happening in this form of online FD, FS sessions, then we have to ask that difficult question: Who are these online dominant figures, and are the men paying them truly financially submissive?

(20:07) I propose that what we're seeing online are not real FDs at all, not real findoms, not real doms or alphas or mistresses. And I don't even want to use the term "sex worker" because even sex workers and escorts have limits and boundaries, and they negotiate and contract. So I'm going to be using the term a "shadow FD" or "pseudo-FD." And making this distinction of a pseudo-FD and a real FD is so important because it really reminds us of what is actually happening. And reminding yourself of what is actually happening will always end up giving you more power and control to make more informed decisions.

(20:56) In any case, when these pseudo-FDs use the title of FD, it makes sense for someone to begin to embody the identity of an FS. But when we scratch a bit deeper, we find that money isn't actually the real turn-on. They don't get turned on by handing over money; what they get turned on by are by the access it gives them. I'll say that again: They don't get turned on by handing over money, they get turned on by the access it gives them.

(21:29) Now, some subs will say that they do get aroused when sending money, seeing the prices go higher and higher, looking at the amounts they can't comprehend, they get this real thrill from this. And this might be true, but it has to be checked if it's causing distress. If not, again, then there is nothing wrong with that. And I'll speak to ways of checking that later on in the episode.

(21:59) One question I get asked often is, well, why do men continue to pay these pseudo-FDs or doms or femdoms when there are verified, consenting, responsible escorts or sex workers willing to step in and discuss limits and boundaries? Well, it's precisely because they are verified, respectful, boundaried, and responsible. Many clients report that once they coddled on that this is a real person, a person who cares, the erotic charge goes. There is this need for a ruthlessness or strength that gets dissolved when a responsible play partner shows they care. And I actually speak about this more with Dr Michael Bader in a future episode. It's fascinating.

(22:55) So I want to slow this down step by step. A very common reason people keep going back to these pseudo-FDs or doms or alphas or mistresses is because they won't bring up rules or contracts or limits. If they do, the erotic charge goes. This erotic charge from an unscripted, uncaring, unpredictable archetype feels very raw, visceral, and urgent. So it feels important, and I get it. I understand that perspective. But unfortunately, these feelings are misinterpreted as a truth of some sort, a truth of connection, a truth of being seen, a truth of really experiencing it or some kind of true contact, something like that.

(23:55) When really, this lack of structure or lack of safety in not knowing who this person really is, their intentions, their motivations, the truth is that it leaves the sub completely open to psychological manipulation, coercive control, and a growing inability to distinguish between healthy erotic play and actual abuse. And that is the reality that often happens. Engaging in uncontracted, uninformed BDSM play is dangerous. Real harm, whether intentional or not, can and does happen.

(24:43) Now, these themes might actually be a turn-on. And usually, it is, it's quite common. "Use me," "brainwash me," "douse me full of poppers," "I want to ruin my life"—very common phrases. Those are all coming out of the themes of mind control, hypnosis, CNC, and they are well-established forms of play in the BDSM world. And they work, they are great, there's nothing wrong with them, but they must happen after a contract has been made and safety has been established.

(25:24) One thing that is so important for me to reiterate to my clients around losing the erotic spark because of safety talk is that time and time again—and I cannot stress this enough—open communication will always increase erotic connection. And I'll say it again: Open communication will always increase erotic connection. Anyone who does this will find themselves more aroused when they speak openly about limits, even if that conversation feels awkward or temporarily threatens or diminishes the allure of the play partner.

(26:07) It's accepting that once you realize they are human and not this flawless, unconflicted archetype, you may lose a bit of erotic charge, yes, but the intensity will come back tenfold because, fundamentally, safety is the only way to be truly, sustainably aroused. You do not need to go to unstructured, unnegotiated experiences to feel intensely turned on.

(26:40) So let's move on. There are ways to see if you are a person who is actually aroused by handing money over or not. I'm not going to be giving a conclusive checklist here because it can take some personal deep work to really know, but I will be offering some starting points. I like to use this analogy with clients.

(27:03) So, think of a nightclub. You enjoy the music, you love the dancing, but you have to pay to get in. You're not excited about the ticket price, you prefer to go in for free, but you have to do what you have to do. Now over time, this paying fee to get in can become associated with the whole nightclub experience itself, so excitement builds when money starts being thrown. If this is the case and you do end up getting aroused by buying a ticket, then again that is fine, but there are ways to be in this dynamic that are sustainable and won't leave you with a very expensive ticket but no place to dance.

(27:54) What I tend to find though is that when we stretch out this experience and we separate parts of the evening in single moments, when asked to consider just paying at the door in itself, many people wouldn't find this arousing, even if there is an association that's built. If we were to move to a random time in the evening when there's a snippet of dancing, then that would be easily identified as exciting. There's a bit of crossover here with chemsex. Many clients report how great the experience is, but when you comb through it with them, what they find is that they are really going to a lot of trouble, expensive trouble, for a short moment of pleasure. Everything else is actually not arousing.

(28:49) Another way to check, and this can be very tricky, is to consider the developmental history of your desires. So typically we know arousal to specific objects or symbols, such as feet or shoes, develop early in life. So if money or financial transactions did not have that erotic charge from your early stage, your current behavior could possibly be more likely an adaptation to buy access to a fantasy rather than a foundational financial kink.

(29:33) A third way is to ask yourself these questions: If I could prove my submission through domestic work or physical service instead of money, would I choose that option? Or essentially, if I did not have to pay, would I still pay?

(29:55) And then there's another one which is, if you rephrased the experience to something like, "This feels more like an on-demand interactive porn session," if that feels more true to what is actually going on, then the money itself might not be the arousing feature.

(30:16) Another way, and this is what it really comes down to, if you are already finding yourself in a FD, FS exchange and there is no contract, no agreement, and you don't really feel safe or respected, and you're always left guessing, then you're probably not enjoying the act of giving money as much as you think. Because a true FD, FS relationship does not cause distress. If you are in a genuine FD, FS dynamic, you will not be experiencing constant struggle, deep shame, regret, or an unsustainable lifestyle. Yes, this may be a feature of the connection, not the erotic nature of the money itself, but nonetheless, something to consider.

(31:09) Getting this distinction is really important, as it allows you to reclaim your true identity and true erotic nature. When you mislabel yourself as an FS when you actually aren't, you stay trapped in a cycle of distress, confusion, and financial strain. You mistakenly believe that money is the root cause of your arousal, when in reality, you are essentially giving someone money who will give your fantasy attention, and also a way to keep that connection when there really aren't many other options. Knowing this will allow you to make choices of where to actually get your needs met properly. If you are finding yourself stuck in this cycle, please see a specialist again who is trained and versed in BDSM and kink, that is so important.

(32:02) So here are some quick takeaways:

(32:04) Number one, remember to reframe the experience as not an FD, but a pseudo-FD who's providing a service, not a relationship. Number two, really acknowledge that you are paying for on-demand interactive media, something that will stop when the money stops. Recognizing that helps prevent you from staying devoted to a dynamic that doesn't exist. Number three, remember is that money is simply the currency required to enter the space. Tell yourself directly, "This is buying me space to explore my fantasy." This internal reminder reinforces that your true arousal comes from submission or actualizing your specific desire, not from the act of handing over cash.

(33:04) I also recommend doing that wheel of life, the wheel of practical, on my website, completely free. I won't contact you after. It's such a great place to start because it really gives you a bigger picture of where you are stuck in life and what that distress can lead to, which is this sort of pseudo-FD, FS exchange. Now there's other free sources on my website, so go check it out. There's some questions you can do around this specific topic as well.

(33:38) But yes, before I end, I just want to reiterate there is nothing wrong with an FD, FS dynamic, absolutely nothing wrong with it. It can function, it does function very healthily, people are very happy in it. You just need to do it properly so it's sustainable.

(33:57) Hope this helps.